Thursday, October 3, 2013

44 and grateful

I am now officially 44!  WOW!! 
I am not sure how or when it happenend,
but all the sudden here I am.

Some things I have learned along the way...

Life is a gift...these people we choose to share our life with, every day, every hug, every kiss, every frustration, every mood, every pain, every joy, every accomplishment, every disappointment, it is not something we own or have a right to, it is given to us.


The point of my life is to learn. Every day I want to know more, to be more grateful, to be more thankful, to be better so  I can do better. To every day, in some small way, deserve all that I have. What is the point of learning if it doesn't motivate me, change me, improve me?


Every day, I want to grow closer to the ones who make it all worthwhile.  My crazy, messy family.  Not the one that I was born into.  The one that I have chosen. A husband who reminds me daily that love is all that matters   Children who challenge me. We acknowledge our problems and issues to ourselves and each other. We work, we promise.  We continue to grow and build.  They remind me every minute to try harder, to love more deeply, to be more open, to say I'm sorry and to forgive.  Friends who have filled in as mothers and sisters.  Who have filled my life with truth and goodness and honesty.  We fall short, we get up.  We disagree, we forgive.  Luckily there is always forgiveness and love waiting for me.

Life throws things our way that are not fair, that we don't deserve.  But it is up to us how we deal with it.  Do we give up?  Do we stop searching because it is hard?  Do we stop caring and loving?  Some do.  I don't.  I can't.   I have cried, I have begged, pleaded.  I have done all I know to do.  I have changed my way of thinking, because that is all I can do.  I can't change your course, only mine. I can only make my own choices.  I can't make you appreciate all that is my life.  But I appreciate it.  More and more everyday. 

 I have my hidden issues and hurts. Things that I alone carry.  Things that have gotten in my way in the past.  Things that you can't see, but I know they are always there. Hurts that are so deep and hidden.   But lately, I have been acknowledging them, holding them close for one last moment and then letting them go.  I will never forget, but I refuse to allow them to continue to hold me back, to stop me from becoming the person I want to be.  I could become bitter, I choose to be soft. I could try to manipulate and control, I choose to allow freedom. I could become confrontational, I choose to be gentle.   So different than how I was taught.   For a long time I was stuck in a cycle. On repeat forever. I chose to step away.  Done...I officially know better now.

"Every ending is a beginning. Think of an ending that is happening in your life. What is the beginning hidden within it? When we embrace the future without dragging the past with us, we look at what's before us with a fresh heart. So...finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with old nonsense."   Emerson



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